chords & words

here’s my issue: i’ve been hanging out a lot with different people this fall, and i’ve encountered a lot of drama. one of the main issues thus far though, has been that people do not understand the difference between hooking up and liking someone. here is my take on it. In my world..

you’re an eh if

if i was intoxicated and made out with you. i avoid being flirty in my wording when you text. i avoid texting you too much. i brush off your jokes (‘cause they’re really not that funny). i don’t care what you think about what i do. i don’t ask for your opinion. i don’t follow what you tell me to do - or even take it into consideration. you ask to hang out and i have the lamest excuse not to, and i really don’t care how you take it. i refuse to wear your jacket in public. i roll my eyes when you try to show that you hooked up with me once. i ignore your nicknames. suggest you other girls that could be worth your time. i help you with things, but leave right after. i don’t make the first move for anything. i refuse to make an effort with you. when you call, i keep the conversation below 5 minutes. if your eye catches mine across the room, i ignore the gaze and keep scanning the room. i ignore your texts when they say “what are you doing?” or “can i see you? where are you?”  

let’s do that again

i pick up your calls, no matter what i’m doing. i text you everyday. i refuse to go to sleep even though i’m exhausted when we’re talking at 1AM on the phone. i smile at you across the room. i ignore the fact that i know that people are judging us because we’re talking one on one when we’re in a group of 5 people. i sit beside you in a social setting. i ask for your opinion on things - and i value it. you call me out on something stupid and it makes me think and agree. i laugh way too much when i’m with you. i don’t judge anything you’ve done. i look noticeably sad when you leave. i get a bit jealous when you talk about other girls but refuse to show it so i just don’t say anything. i tell you more than i tell other people about myself. i have an hour-long conversation with my friend about the things that you did right after i leave a social where you’re at. i complain about wanting to talk to you to friends and refuse to until you make a move and get super excited when you text me - and then call me - an hour after you saw me. 

clear? crystal. 

i haven’t been this giddy in years.

he’s got me checking my phone all day. he’s got me looking forward to the next social. he’s got me intrigued. he’s got me reading too much into all he says. he’s got me looking for him everywhere. he’s got me wondering. he’s got me thinking. he’s got me ignoring everyone else. he’s got me re-prioritizing. he’s got me thinking about mindless things. he’s got me re-reading everything i send him. he’s got me pondering what it all means. he’s got me double thinking what i do. he’s got me thinking about that look. he’s got me pondering how to handle this. he’s got me impressed. he’s got me smiling. he’s got me distracted. he’s got me. & he doesn’t even know it.

<rant

it’s been over a month of this craziness, and things are still not where i can comfortably breathe and be okay with the situation. 

i thought i knew what i wanted, what i needed, where i was going and who i wanted to share that with .. then i came back to my high school habits of going back and forth between decisions.  

XY
what i thought i wanted was a nice guy who has his shit together, knows what he wants, has a steady job lined up, sensitive, no douchebag, dresses conservatively and does not live at the gym. he’d hang onto my every word, want to give me the world on a silver platter and would be there for me no matter the time or the situation. 

what i’m finding i want does not fit into any of that criteria. i want a guy who will be a douchebag sometimes. who can joke about stupid crap and make me laugh in the weirdest of situations. he still has to have his shit together - i mean, i’m not getting any younger and i don’t want to waste time anymore. i want him a bit out there. i want him to wear plaid. i want him to be slightly hipster. i want him to like my music. he can still be sensitive - but let’s not forget that i requested a bit of douchebaggery to keep things interesting. i don’t want him to hang onto my every word. i want him to tease me just as much as i can tease him. but most, most, MOST of all, i want him to be subtle but serious on giving me the world. 

i’ve had this debate with a friend of mine, where he calls me out on the people i am talking to and the people i should be talking to. truth be told, one of them i just talk to for the attention, but i am not willing to pursue anything. the other guy could be too extreme for me (on the other end of the spectrum of extreme, not the hot extreme..) and the other guy, well, he’s kind of a nice combination - but i don’t know him well enough yet. 

so what do i do now that i know exactly where all the XY chromosomes in my life fit? wait. i’m not going to just cut everyone off because i had an epiphany. i’m not going to place them into roles. i’m going to wait. that being said, i’m also not going to waste my time. i’m willing to wait, but not willing to not do anything should one of them rise to the occasion. 

i just want a little effort. that’s all i want. 

/rant